Motherhood: Carolijn Braeken

Same same, but different. I can tell they shared the same womb, were formed out of the same genes, but they're definitely their own little persons. I don't really feel comfortable telling about their personalities on such an open platform, that's really something for them to find out when they're older. But it's kinda beautiful how I imagined them to be when I still carried them in my body, and getting to know them now -- my feeling turned out to be correct with both girls.

It's my ode to motherhood. It's a bundle of short stories about my experience of the first year as a mother. Becoming a mother was ofcourse life changing, but it was so much more than that. I got to experience feelings and emotions I have never felt before, strengthened by heavy hormones and insecurities. It was scary, beautiful, overwhelming, frightening, enriching, indescribable. There were so many mixed emotions, and I didn't know if I was the only one experiencing it that way. Becoming a mother also gave me a ticket to the motherhood community on social media -- which was also overwhelming in it's own way and from time to time I was shocked that no one was talking about those deeper layers of motherhood, only focussing on the newest baby clothes, sleepless nights, the lack of me time. And for me, in a way, that made it all worse -- I felt even more lonely. That's why I decided to open up about my own feelings and started writing about it, in search of recognition but above all as a kind of therapy. Never could I ever have imagined or hoped that it would be such a success as it turned out to be, the fourth printing is at the printer right now.

Definitely. There's a file on my computer waiting for me, it's a book concept about another lifechanging part of my life. It's going to be fiction but based on my life, and I'll probably write it in Dutch. I'll need a publisher to work it all out with me, so that is going to be very timeconsuming project. I'm also thinking about a sequel to motherhood - a memoir of our first year. I know I stated a few months ago that there won't be a part two but the words are slowly popping up in my head and heart so maybe, maybe there's a small chance there will be a sequel.

I don't see it as a job, something I one day added to my resume and decided to call myself a writer from that moment on. There's a painting of my sister and me when we were very little hanging in my parents' study, we are both pictured with the things we loved doing the most. I'm holding a pencil and a little notebook, so I guess that says it all. As a teenager I earned some money with writing for several Dutch newspapers and as a student I did a lot of translating work. Writing is my way of breathing, even when I'm in a different phase in my life where I don't have the opportunity to actually write my own stories, I find a way to work with words. That's probably one of the reasons I ended up being a lawyer.

Seeing those little, vulnerable, dependent humans growing into their own persons -- it's the biggest gift to witness it all.

The heart-wrenching fear to lose them.

Picking me up when I'm falling down. Turning a smile on those little girls' faces. Kicking ass at work. Doing it all at the same time. I won the lottery when I met him.

We're used to having two very busy lives with not as much quality time for eachother as we would like, even before we became parents. We're both very aware these first years are hard and demanding and we try to talk about it a lot. We don't do date nights and it's not something I desperately need to keep things going between us. It's a hardly noticeable, warm smile from across the room, it's a kiss on my forehead when I had a rough day, it's the butterflies in my stomach when I wrap my arms around him when he finally comes to bed after a long day at the office. It's a cliche, but it really are the little things, combined with the incredibly strong and solid bond we have.

Stay true to yourself -- you are good enough.

I'm honest, sincere, sensitive, strong. I only surround myself with people who are true to themselves and me, people I know I can trust. Oh and it'ss a big plus if you laugh about my jokes because I do think I'm hilarious.

No, not in the Netherlands in any case. Somehow I don't like Dutch big cities. But I lived in Stockholm and for a short while in New York and I loved that -- waking up at the crack of dawn and walking around in a city that's just waking up is one of my favorite things to do.